Humor of a Clean Kind

 

Some basic truths


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying " nice doggy " until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

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During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "the building is on fire!"

 

The METHODIST gathered in the corner and prayed.

The BAPTISTS cried, "where's the water?"

The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.

The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.

The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "every man for himself."

The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "Its the vengeance of God."

The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession & marched out.

The CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST concluded that there was no fire.

The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who appointed a committee to look into the matter & submit a written report.

The SECRETARY grabbed the fire extinguisher & put the fire out.

 

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The Thermodynamics of Hell

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic?

Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

 

  • a1: So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
  • a2: Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then a2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.

 

The student got the only A.

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YOU MIGHT BE A FUNDAMENTALIST IF...
* You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.
* You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
* You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
* You think hair tonic is Biblical.
* You find June Cleaver attractive.
* You believe Moses should have shaved.
* You have a portrait of Sodom and Gomorrah, the day after they were nuked.
* You pronounce it "Bab-tist."
* You say "Gosh Darn."
* You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
* You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
* You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
* You can trace Saddam Hussein's genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
* You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
* You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
* You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."
* You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.
* You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
* You think that bar codes are demonic.
* You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan's Service.
* You found back-masking on Amy Grant's albums.
* You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil.
* You think Victoria's Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy.
* You know the writing on the Statue of Liberty's tablet was put there by a Mason, in an Illuminati conspiracy.
* You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
* You think movies are a tool of the devil.
* You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president.
* You think the guy with the long hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
* You think Jerry Falwell is liberal.
* You think Jesus is liberal.
* You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
* You call Israel "the Holy Land."
* You think a modem is a tool of the devil.
* You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments ...but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
* You pronounce "repent" as "rheeeee-paint!"
* You say Amen more than once an hour.
* You pray so long your food gets cold.
* You argue Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
* You think Burt Reynolds was great in Smoky and the Bandit ...but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
* You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase... you'd get a tattoo, but they're tools of the devil.
* Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch.
* You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
* You know four Greek words for love and their different usages.
* You think Notre Dame football team are all secretly Jesuit priests in an Illuminati conspiracy.
* You name your children after the apostles.
* You become an Amway dealer to evangelize in disguise.
* You like being an Amway dealer.

 

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10 REASONS WHY I AM A CALVINIST

1. Calvinists tend to wear wool and cotton. Dispensationalists tend to wear lime-green polyester leisure suits.

2. John Calvin was French...being French is very chic.

3. Calvin sounds like Calvin Klein...and his clothes are very chic.

4. Calvinists can drink.

5. Calvinists can smoke.

6. Dispensationalists are into prophecy conferences where they talk about Star-Trek eschatology and the mark of the Beast. Calvinists have conferences on "life and culture", art, social justice and other high- brow things like that. Afterwards, we go to the local pub and talk about philosophy over a pint of Bass ale.

7. Calvinists have close ties with Scotland and Scotland is very cool: you know --Sean Connery, the movie Highlander, Bagpipes, the Loch Ness Monster, Glenlivet 18 year old Scotch, the movie Train Spotting, Brave Heart, etc.

8. Calvinists think we are smarter than anybody else.

9. It is more socially acceptable to say, "I go to Grace Presbyterian Church" than to say, "I go to Washed In The Blood Worship Center", "I go to Sonlife Charismatic Believers Assembly", or to say "I go to Boston Berean Bible Believing Baptist Bethel", or to say "I go to the Latter-Day- Rain Deliverance Tabernacle Prophecy Center, Inc.", or to say "I go to the Philadelphia Church of the Majority Text", or to say "I go to the Lithuanian Apostolic Orthodox Autocephalic Church of the Baltic union of 1838".

10. Ultimately, I am a Calvinist because I had no choice in the matter.

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Fact or Fiction?

Bill Gates is having dinner with the Chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "we would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8 and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour!" He want to say "Or, we could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gasoline. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50," he continued. In response to all this goading, the GM Chairman replies, "Yes, but would we really want to drive a car that crashes four times a week?"

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For all those who saw the movie...

 

Forrest Gump goes to Heaven:


The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. Saint Peter himself meets him at the Pearly Gates. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow. The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second..." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too." "Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?" Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard." "Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think its Howard?" Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer." "The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?" "You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

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The Top 33 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

33. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.

32. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

31. "Chemotherapy" machine lookes suspiciously like a tanning bed.

30. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

29. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

28. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

27. No X-ray machine, but each doctor is issued a pair of "X-ray specs."

26. Tongue depressers taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

25. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

24. Even though your Primary Care Physician schedules patient appointments every thirty seconds, she still has to drive a cab nights and weekends to make ends meet.

23. Exam room has a tip jar.

22. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."

21. EKG monitor is an Etch-A-Sketch

20. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.

19. Their company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

18. Their newest revenue stream: Video of your recent colonoscopy goes up for sale on the Internet.

17. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

16. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.

15. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

14. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arraignment for grave-robbing.

13. "Anesthesiologist" is simply a drunken homeless guy with a bottle of Ripple in a paper bag and a ball-peen hammer.

12. "If you'd just stop screaming and sign the check, we'll sew you back up!"

11. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

10. 24-hour claims line is 1 800 TUF LUCK

9. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

8. Instead of paying for proctological exams, they simply relocate you to a trailer park and hope you get abducted for an alien anal probe.

7. Pharmacist looks suspiciously like parking lot attendant who was selling cocaine out of his trunk.

6. Physician in charge of Suicide Prevention Hotline is none other than Dr. Kevorkian.

5. Substance abuse treatment guidelines: "Lay off the smack for a while--here's a nickel bag of weed and a fifth of Jack."

4. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

3. Their marketing brochure reads, "We may be cheap, but it's better than being sick in Canada!"

2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them.

1. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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You Might Be a Presbyterian If . .

1. You've got a big bushy beard in honor of R. L. Dabney.

2. You can spell supralapsrian , suprlapsarian, suralapsrian, supralapsarian.

3. When asked to name the twelve apostles you say Matthew, John, James, Andrew, Peter, Nathaniel, Phillip, Simon, Thomas, Augustine, Luther and Calvin.

4. You used to be a Baptist.

5. You started drinking ("in moderation" of course) after you left the Baptist church and became a Presbyterian.

6. Your children's names all begin with "covenant." In other words, normal people have babies, boys, girls, kids, and/or children. Presbyterians, on the other hand have "covenant" children. Instead of introducing your kids as Billy, Bobby and Suzy, it would be more proper to introduce them as Covenant-Bill, Covenant-Bob, and Covenant-Sue.

7. When the spirit comes upon you in power, you don't raise your hands and shout Hallelujuah, rather you scratch your chin, turn to your neighbor and whisper "hmmm, . . . that was a good point."

8. You think fencing has something to do with the Lord's Supper instead of swords.

9. You've considered church discipline for people who watch the NFL on Sunday afternoon.

10. When someone asks you a question about the Bible, you answer, "Well, the confession says . . . " or "the catechism says . . . "

11. Charles Spurgeon is just a little too Arminian for your blood.

12. They aren't "catholics," or even "Roman Catholics." They're "Romanists," or "Papists."

13. You secretly suspect that John Calvin was a liberal because of his compromise on the Sabbath issue.

14. You know the meaning of most or all of the following - PCA, PCUS, PCUSA, PC(USA), PC(U.S.A.), PCUSA(NS), PCUSA(OS), RPCES, RPCNA-GS, RPCNA, EPC, OPC, ARP, NAPARC, CRC, RCA, BPC, BPC-Collingswood, BPC-Columbus, CPC, TE, RE, WCF, WLC, WSC, BCO, UPC, UPCNA, UPCUSA, NPC,

15. You know, or think you know, the difference between "calvinist" and "reformed."

16. You think the phrase "chosen frozen" is a compliment.

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